THE GIRLFRIEND CONTRACT
 
I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...

 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly
 rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old
 man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be a really good
 act too, with me saying stuff like "Invaginate me Donkey Man!" and
 howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

 2. Should your mother call, I will not complain that you are a fat slob,
 but rather uphold the illusion that you are a sophisticated, high earning,
 clean,  considerate and sexually generous modern man.

 3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to  take blame, provide daily solace and generally gratify. In the event of any  household or other problems or accidents,  I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if  I wasn't there.

 4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell  them that you are better hung than a John Holt.

 5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends conspiratorially  e.g. "I  can hardly walk! Could his last girlfriend get it all in? I am worried I may  be too tight for his massiveness".

 6. After sex,  I will expect to be stroked to sleep.

 7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. I will refer to  it  respectfully as "sir" or "master", but mostly I will know it as  "ummmmslurpummmm".

 8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position  you  fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

 9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you  if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them  around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

 10. I will never fart, belch or let my tummy rubble in an unladylike manner  either in your company or not.

 11. I will uncomplainingly make all dinners, lunches and breakfast and be grateful in the extreme if you kindly do the washing up.

 12. I fully understand that the Internet is not a replacement for me or a  competitor or an addiction but a friend who is helping to strengthen and improve our relationship. I will encourage your use of it and suggest websites where you might be entertained.

 13. During the regular oral sex I will perform on you - I will swallow  without being asked and do not mind my ears being held. I also understand  the instinctive urge to thrust and will facilitate this by holding my head still

 14. You are almost always right. The exception being certain Theological  matters which are not subject to logocentric proofs.

 15. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or  colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have  "ruined  me for other men".

 16. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers and remote  control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a  fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot.   Except for the iron and the washing machine, of course.
 
Signed ____________________________________

 Date ____________________